wispfox

I am amused to note that my summaries of things tend to be really, really brief. Mostly because I'm terrible at listing things, and that _is_ a list.

However, when I read through other people's memories of things, I am frequently pleased and amused to be reminded of things that happened. So it's really nifty to have everyone else's summaries of things to read.

As a partial result of other people's summaries, I make note of things which pleased me about my few hours at sunspiral and roozle's party on Saturday:

-Seeing regyt two weekends in a row, and getting to see her be sweet with other people in both instances.
-Seeing and smooching ladytabitha, and seeing her be all cute, sweet, and often smoochy with other people.
-Human hair, is, in fact, knittable.
-Apparently a vacuum cleaner can be exchanged for a ratatosk. Who knew?
-Brief interactions with pixie_ysral, involving french braiding of her hair.
-Brief smooches and hugs and hangings out with ayalanya.
-Playing with the same lovely, long hair which was used in the testing of the knittability of hair.
-Snuggling with various people, including ladytabitha, regyt, ratatosk, and pixie_ysral. Others, too. But those were briefer interactions, and I'm getting name-lazy.
-Watching regyt playing with poi and other swirly colorful things whose name I do not know
-Meeting the niftiness that is minerva42, via her great amusement at the hair knitting, and because she had a camera.
-Food. Seriously. Not having had to feed myself while moving was _gooood_.
-I think it was less crowded than I'd expected, perhaps due to the weather, or the timing of my visit.

-Incidentally, regyt is this a +1, or a +4? (ie, is it per post, or per mention? ;)

Sadly, it was too cold and cloudy for pool use by me. And, I missed fire-spinny goodness, due to needing to continue moving stuff and to needing sleep.

Overall? Very glad I went. And yay for all you people reminding me of stuff, which reminds me of other stuff that happened! :)

Ok, I finally got sparked into trying to write some noodlings about how my brain appears to work in terms of memory. I make no claims for organization or how much sense this will make, as it's still percolating through my conscious brain.

( my memory )

Does it bug anyone else when companies put 'our neighbor' in place of 'resident' on bulk mailings? I seriously doubt that you're actually my neighbor, Comcast.


I realized on the drive home that at my previous two full-time jobs, I tended to have at least one person, if not more, who I actively sought out on a regular basis for random nattering. Generally when I needed a break from my work, but sometimes just because I wanted that interaction. I don't really have that here. I have people I _could_ do that with, but I don't have anyone I feel a strong enough pull to that I actually _do_.

I was going to say that I don't have people who I ping for socialization outside of work, except that I sort of do. There are some people I knew from when I lived in Nashua, and who - now that I work with them again - I sometimes remember to ping to hang out. But, again, no one that I tend to regularly feel a desire to try to hang out with, even though I tend to immensely enjoy myself when we _do_ hang out. Not enough pull (now if only I could define that pull!).

I have to wonder how much that affects my enjoyment of the job. Except... even if, as I suspect, it has a huge impact on it, I don't think I have any way to judge that ahead of time. Indeed, at my last job, the two people who I tended to do that with (who, oddly, didn't overlap much, if at all, in terms of when they worked there) started working there _after_ I did.


Seeing birds in flight always makes me think of a well-worn memory I have of some birds whose type I cannot remember swooping around - presumably catching insects for meals - in a most playful seeming fashion. As I said then, they looked like they were teasing me and the person I was on a walk with at the time, demonstrating just how much fun it would be to be able to fly under our own power. "See?", they seem say, "It's so effortless, these loops and twists and spins we do. Sure, it's to catch our food. But it's fun, too!" There seemed to be so very much joy in their flight. It was wonderful, and this is probably part of why it's such a well-worn memory.


I like going for walks. Especially when it's pretty outside. I especially like going for walks if there's at least some amount of variety involved. This is a lot of why I really like Lowell's river walk that I used to walk regularly at my last job (and somewhat less regularly at the previous one, as I got into walking after lunch fairly late into that job). It was along the river (and sometimes - although not as part of the official walk - along canals), so there were generally lots of birds and fish to watch for, and be amused by.

The problem with taking walks where I am now is that it's boring. It's all buildings and very tall trees, too tall to see anything in. I still take them, when it's nice out, but not _nearly_ as regularly as I should, or even as I would want to. It's not a strong enough pull. And I'm much less likely to go for a walk if I have to drive somewhere to do it.

No, not the memory post I referenced intending to make yesterday.

Different one.

Reading the replies to theferrett's query about women's worst peer-inflicted humiliation in middle school (possibly triggering!) did an interesting job of reminding me of just how crappy my memory is, especially relating to things that I don't think I can do anything about. I have startlingly good ignoring abilities, I notice.

( cut because I felt like it )

A reply to a comment in my journal way back with my indexing/faces/etc musings felt like something I ought to post, as well. (this did get quite a lot longer than the original reply, however)

The question was in terms of how I develop a sense of someone's core self, in terms of I get the whole thing all at once, or if I get more and more of it as I get to know them better.


( My reply, lj-cut because it was too long for me to be happy not doing so )

The question, from here, was 'Hmmm... do both map to "at liberty to proceed?" If so, the one involving preapproval should somehow be tagged "conditional liberty" if there's any way you can manage it.'

--

Mmm...

Except it's _not_ conditional, if I did, in fact, get the needed permission.

And yes, that's probably exactly what they both map to.

The problem here is this:

If it's a case where something does not automatically trigger 'this is something for which you need permission', my 'get permission first' filter doesn't kick in. It goes immediately to the state where I can just do whatever it is. And there is no thought at all at a conscious level about whether or not it makes sense - _even if someone not the person who it might affect specifically asks_. Because, in my head, I'm already past the point where such a question makes sense to me.

But 'being able to do' can equal both 'no permission was needed' and 'got needed permission', which can be a problem if something should have had a 'permission needed' filter and did not.

The above is, BTW, why I tend very strongly to _not_ reference other people most of the time, unless I _know_ that it's ok. Even about things that I don't think any privacy concerns are likely, because my privacy filters aren't always accurate to other people. It's not _just_ that I rarely use names (although that also factors in). If someone says I can reference them about specific things in specific contexts, and say it repeatedly, I might remember that it's ok.

And if I do tentatively reference other people because they've said it was ok often enough, I still might not do it consistently unless I have a _lot_ of reason to believe it really will be ok, _and_ I think that their privacy filters and mine are similar enough that relying on mine to figure out what I can and cannot say would be enough. Which sorta sucks if/when I run into a case where my privacy filters are _not_ similar to someone else's, and I thought they were.

But this 'not referencing other people' thing doesn't kick in when I'm conversing with those I trust - if whatever it is that I want to mention/reference/show also relates to me - unless whoever else it relates to _specifically_ tells me not to. Simply saying something which probably ought to imply that I should at least ask isn't enough. And because of how I'm wired, it will _never_ be enough; I can't regularly make that kind of supposedly obvious connection, or it's already not be a problem. 'obvious' is often _not_ obvious in my world. This probably relates strongly to this, although I only mentioned talking about things there, because that's all that occured to me at the time.

I'm attempting to rewire the specific example that I ran headfirst into so that it will _always_ trigger permission required thoughts, regardless of whether or not it makes sense to me, but this may be difficult, as it's something I only understand abstractly.

[edit] relating to the above paragraph - the degree to which I do not understand it intuitively means that, while yes, it's still because of my different privacy things around people I trust, I do _not_ think the specific example falls into the _really small_ subset of 'people I trust' mentioned in the thoughts on privacy link I have above. Trust, yes. Good comfort level, yes.

But... I think my 'want to share neat/nifty/sweet/entertaining/etc things with people' is what caused this to happen at all, and because I _did not notice_ the aspect which I believe ("I believe" because I'm not sure if it was more general than that or not) caused the privacy issue, it could have happened with people from the larger subset of people I am comfortable with. Which is probably a significant part of why this disturbs me as much as it does, and why I'm trying to rewire the entire category to be flagged as 'get permission'. Because if I don't _notice_ something, it'll never get into my normal categories of things to be asked about.

*shakes head* I don't _like_ how difficult it can be for me to grok other people's privacy requirements, when it relates to stuff that also relates to me. (when it doesn't relate to me, it doesn't matter. I don't feel a need to share things that don't at all relate to me)

Apparently, 'asked for and received permission' and 'don't need to get permission' are the exact same thing, in my head. Which I can see making sense, but which I don't think I knew before now. Does, however, make for an interesting experience if the latter is what happened, and the former is what should have, because there is no way for me to know which _did_ without external information. Mostly because my memory isn't reliable enough for me to be able to simply _check_ if I did, in fact, ask. Stupid memory.

Hey, at least I don't run into this very often!

New topic in my head! Everyone rejoice! ;)

Also - it'll probably be apparent, but this is stuff I'm still trying to figure out/verbalize/understand.

( ok, I expect to be babbling, so cutting this )