wispfox

Oh, dream nspy, you cannot purr away my grief and loss, although it's very... you of you to try. It's just hard, and I'm glad that you haven't yet joined ash in the dreams where i find him lost and hungry and alone because i forgot about him.

I'm glad we could give you a screened back door for your last summer, and wish you could have enjoyed it for longer.

Oh, kitty.

There is no kitty snoring or kitty claws ticking on the wooden floors or coming up the stairs. No curious nose coming to see what we are doing, jumping up beside us, greeting us when we come home with purrs and shoulder bumps. No hungry and impatient mews.

No humans randomly taking to him about what he is doing or what we are thinking or explaining to each other what he is doing or thinking. No greeting him or talking to him in silly little voices that mean we love him.

No voices calling him to come and rapidly running little feets and an inquisitive little face and ears and tail.

It's much, much too quiet.

As many of you may have seen in metahacker's journal, NSPy isn't doing great. Initially, it appeared to be due to some truly astonishingly bad arthritis in his hips, perhaps due to a long-ago encounter with a car while he was a stray.

As time passed, it became apparent that there were some neurological things going on, which ended up being "probably a brain tumor". We cannot really afford the brain surgery required to remove the tumor, so paying for the MRI makes basically no sense, so we won't know for sure.

The prednisone he is on took a _long_ time to come into effect, to the point of believing, at least on my part, that we were going to have to say goodbye to him this week. It finally started working late Sunday night through Monday and Tuesday. (Much like after he first saw the neurologist; he started improving later that day - which was a Tuesday - and started worsening again on that Friday) His eyes never returned completely to having both pupils evenly dilated, though.

This morning, he is doing poorly again. Not a lot of balance, not really eating, restlessly wandering about unless confined (by his carrier or by a human). The prednisone is meant to reduce swelling, and is not a fix. I just kind of thought that he'd have a bit longer between bad days.

The neurologist said that there would be bad days as well as good, and that we should keep an eye on the weeks rather than the days. But damn, this is stressful. He can't really be left alone right now, at least not outside of his carrier. And it's just so _sad_ seeing him confused and restless and stumbling around.

So, lots of stress. And I'm in school, and have to do homework and work on my research and TA classes and... so I can't give him as much time/energy as I'd like, and poor galaneia has to deal with the brunt of kitty care. I just. Mrr.

And now I must go work on research prep, wherein I figure out what sorts of gestures we will need to be coding as relevant movements for my first year project. And work on a paper due next week. And, and, and.

I require fewer squirrels in my walls which sound like they are trying to chew their way in.

Although I suppose NSPy would be thrilled if they ever managed to get in...

NSPy: Mrow! Mrow! Mrow!

Me: Yes, I'm going to feed you now.

*Palm Pilot makes reminder noise for me to take a pill*

Me: See? My palm even agrees!

NSPy: *much smaller meow as he realizes that I'm actually feeding him*

Me: One of these days, you'll learn patience.

*pause*

Me: And then we'll all wonder what's wrong with you!

God, I miss my kitty.

I need to not have dreams where I vividly remember holding him while he was put to sleep. How he just... stopped. And then dreams where he's not really dead, I just can't find him. So he's sad and lost and lonely and hungry and mewing for me. And I _can't find him_. Or worse, I do, but he's been without food for so long that there's no way he'll survive. Or that he's even really alive (dreams where he's alive but can't be are... hard).

Woke up mad at NSPy for not being My Kitty. Didn't do anything about this anger, but did pet him lots because he was nearby and purring madly. But he's not Ash. And not really My Kitty in any ways that Ash was.

I miss my kitty, and I'm afraid to go back to sleep for dreaming. But, especially considering that I've been sick, it's _far_ too early to just remain awake.

Starvingest kitty tells me that no one has fed him in _years_.

Even though I fed him not two hours ago. :)

Mrooooooow!