wispfox

He was a stray who was caught when his foster was trying to catch another kitty, because she never thought she could catch him. He purred madly when she came to check the trap, and his tale with humans was started.

I may try to make a second post with photos, but not right now.

( long. )

I think I am trying to ignore that australian_joe leaves tonight.

I keep finding myself focusing rather absurdly on figuring out which schools I want to apply for. In a year. Mostly because I want to know what I need to do between now and then, but still!

And I can totally take the next class in the sequence that I just finished a class in. Totally cool, and totally unexpectedly early. Actual psychology research experience. Online. Not really sure how this will work. :)

But yeah. I drive australian_joe to the airport at 5.

Sad.

All of the conversations that have sprung up as a result of that now-infamous post re asking to touch women's breasts just make me _tired_.

Tired of living in a world where one of the ealiest things taught to me that I remember struggling to learn was to carry myself as if I knew where I was going and what I was doing, even if I did not (I was very easily lost, very trusting, and very naive).

Tired of having to think, any time I go outside alone at night, especially in an unfamiliar area, if it's safe, if I'm dressed in ways to catch unwanted attention.

Tired of needing to consider whether or not my wanting to dress up in fun/flirty clothing is going to cost me too much in social energy and awareness, both in terms of extra attention and in terms of safety.

Tired of knowing, and _being_ one of, so many women who have been raped, have had unwanted sexual contact from a sibling, have been pressured into being sexually involved with a guy because we just got so tired of saying 'no'.

Tired of knowing that I'm one of the lucky ones. No co-workers of any sort at any time have tried anything. The sibling incident was once, for me. I have never been beaten by anyone at any point. I was able to be sheltered enough growing up that my deep confusion at what people think is normal and right did not end up causing serious damage.

Tired of knowing that so many rapes go unreported, including my own until a _long_ time later. Tired of knowing that I, as with many, many others, blamed myself. Which is why it took so long to call it what it was.

Tired of knowing that domestic abuse is _so damn common_. Indeed, I might almost say expected, in some circles.

That the phrase 'a nice guy' makes me cringe.

That I was so surprised the first time a guy I was dating wanted to go to Take Back The Night with me.

Just. Tired.

my currently in-flight sweetie left me a few post-it notes hidden in the apartment. I have found 3 of 4. the second made me all teary (but then so did him telling me ove the phone that he'd done it).

charmed. loved. teary. not urgently missing him, not yet, for he was here to cuddle and kiss and say goodbye to this morning. bit lonely & touch-hungry, though. tomorrow night I will be fully mopey about his absence; it's always the night after the full day he's gone that it hits.

and this time? he kept his keys. I do not know why, but that feels like a small victory.

Transition states are evil, as anyone reading me knows. Unfortunately, my tolerance for one such in my life has just abruptly informed me that it needs to change _now_. No, really, now.

However, I'm also severely depressed (as in desperately wanting to cancel all my plans for the next week, even though there is no jasra this weekend and being alone when this depressed is unwise). And my timeout for time between seeing australian_joe just started being problematic (it takes another couple months before I fail to cope with that). And my fucking wrists are evil (but healing). And everything I do for self-distraction _still_ needs happy wrists. And I can't fill out my damned visa application, nor can I take another class next semester.

So I'm waiting until I'm a bit less depressed (or at least until a few more days have passed and I'm certain it's not a temporary failure of cope) before figuring out what I can do about said transition state (since anything that anyone else could do is not something that should be forced. And I don't know how any such would happen, with me not coping this much, and not be forced).

But. Severely depressed. Also snappy and intensely irritable. And moody, shifting between wanting to cry and wanting to kick things (interesting; that used to be 'throw my lacrosse ball against a wall really hard'; fuckin' wrists) rather absurdly rapidly (probably simultaneous, actually). Avoiding interacting with me is suggested.

Yep. Mopey.

to not have trouble sleeping on a regular basis.
to not have seasonal depression.
to have my wrists be normal again.
to not have stupid digestive issues.

to have a day where I don't have to do anything (difficult when I get hungry or need bathroom or cannot sleep anymore).
to not have the three people i'm closest to in distress. more so when one is because of me and points 3&4.

I am so goddamn tired. physically, mentally, pycholoically. and I have no idea what to do to fix it. none of my normal sleep tricks are working, nd that is likely my biggest issue right now. sleep helps ecerything else, after all.