wispfox

I'm apparently going to be unable to sleep unless I let this rant _out_. So. Rant it is! (ok, inasmuch as I'm willing to let my posts be particularly ranty, I guess)


(because I have no idea who is going to spontaneously be paranoid, this is not aimed at anyone on LJ)


By relationship, for the purposes of this rant, I mean any emotionally intimate one, sexual or not.

In a relationship, one would expect that the people involved want to be involved in that relationship. Otherwise, _end the fucking relationship_!

Presuming - since the relationship has not ended as per above - that one wants to be involved in the relationship, it would seem to make sense that one would be trying to put in the time and energy necessary to maintain relationship health. That one would commit to the relationship in question, rather than being half-assed about it, thereby making the other person unsure if you actually want to be there. What's the point of being in a relationship with someone if you're not sure you want to be in it?

Try _talking_ to them about things that you think might make them scared or insecure, rather than deciding that not mentioning things is the better idea. Hell, don't _do_ the things that you think will be make them unhappy, unless a) you've talked to them about it and learned that it's not a problem or that there are things which can be done to help work through it (and that you can, are willing to, and actually _do_ them), b) you've helped them feel secure enough that things that might otherwise have been a problem _aren't_ anymore, or c) you aren't in a relationship with them anymore.

It's not kindness to hide things from people that they should know about, it's rude and hurtful, _EVEN IF THEY NEVER FIND OUT_. And it's condescending to think that you 'know better' than they do about their own mind and wants and needs, which not telling people about the things they should know implies. And, what's the point of doing things that you expect will upset someone you presumably care about?

Lack of investment in a relationship is _damaging_. It's scary, and uncertain, and undermines the trust between people. It's worse, in my opinion, than no relationship at all. And it makes for all _sorts_ of things to work through later on, if one is willing to work through them. Because... if one is in a relationship with someone who won't commit to it, then there must be something wrong. Usually, in my experience, people think the 'something wrong' is themselves. How is encouraging that kind of thinking kind? How is that loving? It is not love to leave people hanging, uncertain. It is cruel. And it is a betrayal of their trust.

If you're going to be in relationships of closeness beyond a certain point, make the decision to do so, and commit your energy and time to it. Be _in_ the relationship, and not just halfway there. Make decisions about it because of the relationship itself, not external forces. Keep the trust of those you are in relationships with by involving them in your life, and in decisions which will affect them. If, however, after putting in the effort to try to make something work - preferably, if possible, by involving both people in investigation and any implementation - there seems to be no way to do so, don't prolong the agony. Make the decision, and end it.