wispfox

Ok. Better, but not well yet, since I apparently pushed a bit too hard yesterday. The whole 'exhausted at 9, bed by 10:30, couldn't get up until 9' thing sorta indicates as much. But, working from _work_ today. Hopefully that won't end up being pushing it too hard!

So, I apparently have a thing in my head where, if conversing about an emotionally charged topic with someone whose opinion I care about, and they appear to have an opinion but don't share it, I will think it's a topic to avoid and be hyper-aware of any future reactions to that topic. This combines interestingly with the fact that, if I'm emotionally distressed, I am unlikely to remember information that is shared with me, nor what my reaction to said information was. And, generally, emotionally charged topics have a higher than normal likelihood of my being emotionally distressed.

This results in me being uncertain about what's surrounding a particular topic which is apparently to be avoided, unconsciously avoiding talking about it but being highly paranoid about possible reactions when I do bring it up, and not generally consciously aware enough to just _ask_ about it. This is true even if the opnion was shared, if it was shared when I wasn't able to process it due to my own distress. The fact that I have stuff in my head causing me to be especially aware of avoiding topics is why I noticed this happening (and mentioned it), and why I'm aware that I do it, now. Theoretically, being aware of it will make it less likely to happen again.

I wonder, though, if sharing one's opinion via a written format (eg, email) - if it appeared that I may not have been able to parse what was said to me - might counteract the tendency for me to not remember things shared with me when emotionally distressed, because then I can go _back_ to it later (and am likely to; I tend to return to informational sources if I can, if I realize that parsing wasn't working). Of course, the problem there is that I don't get any of the remaining lines of communication, so it'd be more difficult to interpret if said communication isn't very clear. On the plus side, asking me if I'm able to parse new information _does_ work, presuming one can interpret (potentially verbal) hand-wavy. And presuming one will remember to mention it again when things aren't so fraught, because it's almost certain that if I wasn't able to process new information, I won't remember to bring it up.

Bah. Sometimes my brain annoys me. This would be an example!

_Why_ would it confuse my co-workers that I have no interest in a baseball game? Or, really, most sports? Or beer, or any activity for which beer is supposed to be an incentive?

What, I've not made it sufficiently obvious that I'm a terrible American by this point? ;)

Well, I made it through most of today. Now, I go home and either pass out or zone, depending on if I can sleep or not yet. Attempting to learn things when my brain decides I'm exhausted is _hard_, I note.

(no, I have no idea why I was exhausted at 5, and now I'm wide awake)

But, LIGHTNING! (which won't help make me any more tired, really!)